Welcome to my brain.

everything is amazing

What's new. I don't know. Everything just keeps getting better. It's like those times when everything is so great that you're waiting for something bad to happen because that's how our brains are wired to think. I think. However, I have found that if you avoid that kind of thinking, things keep going well as long as you let them. I'm trying to gather a series of thoughts that I've had in the past weeks that have made me think "wow I should write about that" and then never did because I can't focus on anything ever in my life. So I have a lot of thoughts that I want to put into words, but words are hard and so is thinking and gathering thoughts and words. That's a lot of words. 

I guess I can start with the hokey part of my life, which I know is ever present; pretty much every way I live my life is kind of hokey, so that's a relatively vague statement. But I consider any time that I do something particularly strange, it might be worth sharing. Someone other than myself can laugh at me. Last night, there was an all staff meeting at my place of work (Panera), but since I just gave my two weeks notice, I didn't have to go to said meeting, and I got off work three hours earlier than usual (By the way, I quit my job can i get a holla). So, I got off at 8 pm, and we're in the part of the year where the sky is still setting late, but earlier than 9:30. And let me tell you, I finally understand why people think riding into the sunset is romantic. Last night was a sunset that I wanted to ride into; but I wanted to do it alone, because it's the sky that's romantic, not the humans. Okay I literally started crying because it was so beautiful. And I tried to videotape and take pictures, but I couldn't because even the best picture or coolest video wasn't going to be anything like the experience of watching the sky turn everything pink. Even the trees were pink last night. It was amazing. This sky gave me a lot of thoughts: 
1. this sky looks like cotton candy and i want to eat it
2. that cloud is literally blue, pink, and silver, how
3. this is art the sky is art and i will never be able to make something this beautiful ever and i'm okay with it because i'm a human being
4. why did God give this to me tonight idk but thanks, Man
5. i want cotton candy
6. holy i am actually crying at the sky what am i
etc. things like that you know. I really can't describe it except that it was an emotional 20 minute drive to my apartment. And then when I got to my apartment, I had hummus, and that was also an emotional experience because I really love hummus. 
Alright, so I quit my job. In my near 16 months at Panera, I have turned in my two-weeks notice. Once I realized that my hair was too big for the hats, I knew it was time to embark on a new journey. That's not actually why I quit, but the hat really doesn't sit on my head properly. In the first half of my time there, I made one friend. Who quit and moved to Turkey. And then in the second half, I made another friend. Who is the best manager I've ever had in my life. She's 19, and she has more maturity and wisdom, and life-experience than most people I've met in my life. I got along with my co-workers, but I've had this weird desire to work in a local coffee shop for almost 2 years now, and when I was finally called, I didn't hesitate to quit Panera. 
So there's that. 

I was talking to my friend last night. My exact words to him were, "I almost always think that no one likes me/ I did something wrong and people are mad at me--it seriously still amazes me that I'm wrong about that." As it turns out, most people are not irrationally mad at me, or disdained towards me. Since finding that I am capable of having more than one good friend, I've found that I can actually have a lot of good friends. What's actually amazing to me is that I do. I keep saying that having friends is new, and I guess 8 months out of 21 years can still be considered new. But I think I'm settling into the idea of people loving me. I thought about changing the "love" to "caring about"--but that would defeat the purpose of what I'm getting at. 
Last night, said friend told me that I had a beautiful soul. It took me a second, and I had to reflect on it, because wow what a statement. What a thing to say to another person. He wasn't complimenting my appearance (of which compliments I am truly terrible at accepting because I almost never believe them), he wasn't praising my talent or something that I've done (of which I also suck at accepting because of the same reasons), he was complimenting my soul. Something that you cannot see, something that you cannot practice to perfect, something that is inside of me. How can you deny something that you have no control over? 

Accepting things/ compliments/ words/ gifts has always been really hard for me. Actually, I don't think that it's always been hard for me, but for as long as I can remember. And I didn't start remembering things until I was miserable. And I was miserable for a long time. I think that it just became inherent for me to reject people and relationships. But it's been slowly building (my confidence). Very slowly. If I could trace it back, I would say that it was three years ago when I decided "Johnny will be my friend" and then he was. I couldn't tell you why he was the exception, but he was and I won't fight it or try to figure it out, because that ruins it. I've been analyzing my friendship with Johnny since I met him, and I still can't figure out how I managed to get him to be my friend. And not just Johnny, but all of my close friends. They are the kindest, most genuine, and incredible people. Not just to me either, everyone thinks that about them. Because they are. Pha?? Ask literally anyone. The greatest human alive. Sydney and Erin both have actual sunshine coming out of their faces. Tess? Beautiful from the inside all the way out. Hannah? Hannah. And that's just five of them. That doesn't count for Megan, John, Lex, Josef, Alexis, Alex, Sarah, Nick, Liz, Ty, TJ, Christy, Billie, Sammy, Hailey, ETC THE LIST LITERALLY KEEPS GOING AND GROWING AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. People actually love me. And accepting that has been the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life. 

I actually don't know where this is going at all. But these people are amazing. The sky is amazing. Everything is amazing. 

And um. That's it. That's all the mumbly-jumbly I've got today.

what do you do when your life is chaotic and nothing makes sense anymore