I've been really busy lately. I don't really know what that means, and I think it might all be in my head. But I've noticed that I'm always doing things. I never have free time basically. We all know that I don't like sitting still, but since I don't really have a choice sometimes, I busy myself and I busy my brain. And I come up with all of these crazy ideas that I want to do that aren't totally possible. I mean, they are. They're totally possible. But they require a lot more time and money than I give myself. The past few weeks, I've obviously been reflecting on a lot of things and learning a lot about myself and my life and what my life will be. Or won't be. Who knows.
I came to this sort of resolve today. My 12:30 class was cancelled this morning and so I didn't have anything to do. Usually, I go to campus with my brothers at 9:00 a.m. and paint or do ceramics, but I did my ceramics yesterday and if I did painting this morning, I would have nothing to do in class tomorrow. I thought about going to campus anyway and doing my art history, but quickly said "to hell with that" and put on my clothes and drove to the Platte River. If you can recall, this was a fairly common thing for me to this summer. That is, drive to random nature scenes alone and allow myself to be by myself.
But. I've been busy. And I've been constantly surrounded by people. Which I ordinarily am starving for company, but I found myself thirsting for solitude today. This morning and this day has been the first day in almost two months that I have had to myself. Sitting on the river, listening to the wind and watching the sun rise higher over the water allowed me to be reminded of presence. I was present to myself and Christ was present to me. And I didn't want anything more than that. I was alone without being alone and it felt so right. I needed this. I needed to be grounded by the water and the breeze and the mud that got into my shoes. I needed to be alone and I needed to breathe in my time by myself, because who knows when I will get this again.
I think I can be selfish in that way. If I am alone, I am always wanting people. If people are with me, I am always wanting to be alone. And since people are constantly around, I felt like it was a necessity for me to get away from it all. Don't get me wrong, it was good. And I think I did need it. Everyone does sometimes. I think if someone was with me while I was at the river, I wouldn't have realized how grateful I am for all the people I find constantly around, and for their presence. Of whom I don't think there are even real words for the gratitude I have for their existence. I'm going to proceed to brag about said people. Because I find them truly amazing.
Alright so first of all: Ian. Brother. Friend. Nemesis. Ian and I have recently decided to start merchandizing our stuff. As in t-shirts and buttons of our art. Which is cool. I don't know how many nice things I can say about Ian because our relationship is based on insults and being nice feels wrong. But if I had to pick which sibling to live with, I would probably keep choosing Ian.
I have been staring at this for 5 minutes trying to think of what to say. Sydney is like the friend that I never thought I would have. Ever. Not only never thought I would have, but never knew I needed. Or deserve. She has extra art supplies, she puts it in my car. I broke my phone in her car, she gave me her old phone. I asked the world for ceramic tools, she literally poofed in from a dust cloud with ceramic tools. My laptop is broken, she takes it home and fixes it. I get a new laptop because it was beyond repair, she brings me stickers. Her common phrase, "Can I help you with your life?"
Honestly the most selfless and loving human person that I have ever met. And so grounded. Sydney reminds me what the most important element in my life is by being a radiating example of Christ and His love.
After I told Pha I was dropping out of school:
is it because of your hands?
its going to be sad when you're gone
and it hurts my heart that I haven't been reaching out to you as much (he reaches out to everyone all the time, myself included this was a ridiculous statement for him to make)
and I know I'm no one to be talking but I think i should
or at least support you somehow.
Abi you gave it every single day
with your hands and suffering you still put it into beautiful words and art forms.
Sometimes its not about giving all the way,
Jesus might want you tot take a step back and accept it
your heart is not here among the books and studies, but among the poor and needy
I pray for you every step of the way.
One of my personal missions in life is to comfort and help others with all I can
Jesus will do mysterious things in us,
especially for you
I don't know why I'm telling you this, you probably already have this all thought out"
^^^^^^AND THAT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IS CALLED A VESSEL
Noelle is similar to Ian in that I can't really compliment her because I don't want to come off as weak. But this picture is really cute and she is really cute and she improves my quality of life. My parents and Matthew can also be in inserted here. I have the most incredible family in the world. Endless support and love. Except Matthew, who thinks that my recent decisions are "poor"--to which Noelle said to me, "Yeah but Matthew is dumb tho" and that is why she gets the picture and Matthew doesn't.
And there's Megan and like hi what how do you even exist
Tess. This painting cannot capture her beauty and goodness. Tess leads me closer to Christ everyday. Another shining example of love and light.
I think there's a lot of reasons I'm thankful for Nick. And I don't know if I've ever told him how grateful I am for him, because I suck at wording to people sometimes. But here's this. Nick is incredible. Nick was the first person to invite me a party that I actually went to. Granted it was his going away party and he was leaving for Turkey, so I was actually forced to go, but the fact remains. Also, he went to Turkey for 9 months. And taught things. And saw things. And learned things. And brought all of it back to the United States with him and told me about it. And then I learned things. I don't know if I've met a more driven, yet totally free-spirited individual. I think I've learned to pursue whatever the hell I want, and Nick kind of does the same thing. Which is part of the reason we get along so well. Maybe. Or maybe it's because we're both tomfools and hooligans. I think he was in Nebraska for a grand total of a month before he decided he was going to intern in D.C. and learn and teach and grow even more. He grows so much flowers grow out of his face.
Also grateful for Nick because Nick introduced me to Cam. I started accumulating friendships, which was already foreign to me. Foreign but great. And when I wasn't with Sydney or Hannah or Tess or any of the friends who radically changed my life this year, I was by myself and I was okay with it. Then I met Cam and I didn't know that my life could get any better until it did. And it keeps getting better every day. I struggle with finding the right words to express what it means to have this human in my chaotic little life, but boy-oh-boy did I snag a good one. His mom made me vegetarian enchiladas and I don't think I really need to eat anything ever again.
Cam, who I actually met at Nick's going away party last year, but didn't actually get to know until late this August, has very quickly become one of my favorite persons. I don't know that I can explain it, or if I will even try to. It's been brought to my attention that my family and friends learn too much about me in my blog and like it better when I tell them things with my actual mouth. So I'll say this: Cam and I fit nicely together and things that don't usually make sense somehow do now. He is both astonishing and amazing to me.
These aren't even half the people. You know. It's just some of them. And they are all genuinely kind and caring (except Ian, Ian is an asshole), and they all love so much and so hard. This is seriously just a brag fest and it's probably really boring. But if you see any of these people walking down the street, yell at them super abrasively saying, "ABBY IS VERY GRATEFUL FOR YOU AND CAN'T EXPRESS IT IN REAL LIFE BECAUSE SHE SUCKS AT WORDS."