I'm sitting in a coffee place. I have a break from 11-2 between my classes and I usually do my art history or study or something annoyingly responsible like that. But it's Tuesday and I lack almost all motivation for anything to do with school. Especially with my recent conclusions in dropping out. (It's decided).
I ran into my friend Chas and his friend (whose name I forgot because I'm terrible), and she was talking about how she wanted to go abroad. And possibly to India. I gave the best advice I could.
"Yeah you should go"
And after that statement, I decided to hell with art history, I'm writing a blog.
In my ceramics class, which I just got out of, we were assigned to create a vessel and give it meaning. The meaning has to be something that matters to us in the contemporary world. Beginning classes are really the worst. Like why can't we just make art to make art. I get it though. People rattled off things that matter to them and to our society today: equality, black lives matter, social media, politics, feminism, food, gender roles, immigration, sports, pets; a long list of things. I, being me, said "religion"...which of course includes more than just my own religion.
Our teacher told us to make a list of things, to brainstorm, to actually think about what we want to do. I tried to make a list, but I could only think of one thing that truly matters to me in the world. Only one thing, which encompasses all other things: Jesus. I began to make a web and I think it could go on forever, and it totally escapes me how anything else in the world could ever possibly matter to me, when I have Jesus.
Alright so that's my web. And I'm looking at it right now and can think of more things to add. Sometimes I think I hide from what I believe, or I try to shield it because it's hard to be a devout Christian in a place that doesn't know what it means to be a true disciple. To be a true Christian. They only know what they hear and what they hear isn't always good, or true, or right. But to be a true Christian, to truly follow Christ and really follow Him, I know there's nothing to be afraid of.
I've been really confused lately and we all know this because I keep saying it and keep enforcing it to everyone: I am s o c o n f u s e d. But I keep finding myself crawling to the Newman center, or saying little prayers throughout the day. And when I do that, I remember that it doesn't matter if I have no idea what I am or what I'm supposed to be doing, there's this peace that I can't even describe because it's an experience. There's this peace that I know because I know that I am loved and I am protected and I am forgiven. There's this peace that exists because by the grace of God, I am alive; and I have this opportunity to be confused, to be lost, to be insignificant until I become significant. And it grounds me. It reminds me that I am a human being and that's all I am. It doesn't even matter if I'm significant to the world, because what will the world ever give to me that Jesus has not already given me. And by the same token what does it matter if I am insignificant to the world if I am significant to God? Who am I trying to impress here?
I was talking to Johnny yesterday and I was trying to wrap my head around myself, which I should never do because I don't think that I'll ever be able to and it just gives me a headache. But sometimes humans like Johnny know me better than I know myself. I was talking to him about comfort, and how uncomfortable I am with being comfortable. Right now, everything is very comfortable for me. I am in a good place with relationships: I have friends, people care about me, I'm doing well in classes, I love my job for the first time ever, I'm financially somewhat stable, I'm okay with my hands hurting, I know how to make a really good latte...all of these things that any ordinary human should be grateful for. And of course I am, I don't think any of those things have anything to do with the kind of comfort I am feeling. For me, the comfort is more of a stillness where nothing is happening. And instead of a sense of comfort, I feel a sense of anxiety or anticipation. What I realized while I was talking about it, is that I am a person who always needs something to be happening or changing. But I don't know why. So when Johnny said, "You don't like being comfortable because you like getting better." it made sense. Because he's right. And I didn't even think about it until he said it because I don't think of myself in terms of good and better, I just think of myself as a mass of a human who wants to be a good person. But it's more than that and I think I know that now.
I'm externally processing and I think that's all this blog is: my brain rattling a million things a minute and things I don't even think of until I'm sitting here writing it all. I want to be better. I want to keep getting better. Again, not for myself, but for God. Because He gave me everything. I can't go outside without seeing something that was literally given to me. I can't be friends with someone without knowing, "alright thank you for putting this person in my life." I can't even drink a cup of coffee without knowing that it is a precious gift, to which anyone could agree to. And it's not so much that I want to be better, it's that I have to be better. Because I know how I'm supposed to live, because I know that there is more for me and for everyone, because I know that the only reason I exist is to bring God to other people. How I do that, I don't know. Obviously. I wander around in forests and fall out of trees and I'm trying to figure it out but I don't think I'll ever know.
What I do know is that there is nothing, nothing, greater than the joy, and peace, and beauty, and hope that Christ has given to me. To shield it, to hide from it, to be afraid of it, is none of my business. Not only I, but all of us are called to share, to show, to serve Christ. I am one confused little nugget, but even with all of the wheels turning in my brain, I am confident, and I am happy, and I am not afraid. I cannot stress that enough. People scare me, people judging me scares me, people not liking me scares me, people looking at me scares me. But I don't even matter! And coming to realize that? It's the most amazing thing I think I have ever realized. I. Don't. Matter.
The only reason I exist is to live and grow and be rooted in Christ and to share whatever I know with anyone who will listen. And if no one listens, then that's okay. I am still rooted and I am still growing and I am still learning. What I know is this: God is love. God is Truth. God is beauty. God is merciful.
I am insignificant, I am lowly, and I do not matter. Because of that, I do not care if people scare me, judge me, dislike me, or look at me. I don't matter. I am not living for this world. I am significant to my Father, and that matters. I'm basically talking to myself and saying this all to myself as a reminder. Namely because I am so confused and it's very easy to lose everything including my mind and my way. But what matters to me is Jesus, and as long as that is the center of my confusion and madness and art and life, I think that I'm okay.
Also I'm not proof reading this because I have to go to lunch and I'm really hungry.